How To Get a DUI

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(Providence Journal) BURRILLVILLE, R.I. – – One Burrillville police officer ended up with a broken hand and another was nearly struck by a truck when they tried to arrest a man suspected of driving under the influence early Friday morning. After receiving an alert from North Smithfield police about a man driving erratically in a pickup along Route 102, Patrolman Kyle Genereux spotted the pick-up truck, followed it and tried to stop it, the police said. The man in the truck, Joseph Lovely,  41,  of 200 North Main St., Burrillville, initially refused to stop, but he eventually pulled over on Route 102 near the Burrillville Middle School, according to Col. Stephen Lynch, of the Burrillville police. When Genereux ordered Lovely to turn off his vehicle, Lovely put the truck in reverse and drove backwards at Genereux, the police said. Genereux jumped out of the way and Lovely’s truck struck his cruiser. Genereux drew his gun and ordered Lovely out of the pickup. Patrolman Ryan Hughes, who had been monitoring the call, drove up and both men tried to put Lovely under arrest, but he fought with them, the police said. Hughes fired a Taser at Lovely, but it did not affect him, so the two officers wrestled him to the ground and eventually were able to subdue him. The police charged Lovely with  assault with a dangerous weapon and felony assault on a police officer, driving under the influence, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and refusal to take a chemical test.

In this edition of “How to get a DUI”, we have Joseph Lovely (I would kill for his last name) of Burriville, RI. First of all, bravo for him, because getting a DUI in Burriville isn’t an easy task. Burriville is nothing but trees and more trees. There’s probably like 3 cops for the entire town. If I had to pick one place to guess where Big Foot is hiding, I would pick Burriville. Secondly, MEAN mugshot pose. Just screams “I drink and get into bar fights and occasionally fight cops”.

Mr. Lovely is a fond believer in the go full speed in reverse toward the police officer method. Pretty solid method. But the key for him was fighting the cops. Fighting the cops is a guaranteed arrest. You gotta respect the fact that he was so drunk that he wasn’t even affected by the Taser. Its a fucking Taser. A weapon solely designed to take someone down with one shot, and Mr. Lovely just takes it like a man. But I gotta be fair. Technically, because he refused the breathalyzer, he didn’t get a DUI, so we can’t really prove he was drunk. I just assume anyone who drives full speed at cop cars, tries to fight the cops, and doesn’t get affected by getting shot by a Taser, may of had one or two beers in them.

PS- For those of you new to my “How to get a DUI” blogs, I never condone drinking and driving. I just really, really enjoy making fun of the people who do.


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