Marry Fuck Kill of Newport Attractions

1. The Beaches


2. The Mansions


3. Thames Street


Marry- Thames St

Fuck- Beaches

Kill- Mansions


Its so obvious you kill the mansions its unbelievable. “Oh you wanna see really big houses, that old rich white people who probably owned slaves lived in?” No thank you. There so overrated its ridiculous. The tours are suicidally boring. Like I dont need to know where Sir Cornellius Vanderbilt II used to take his shits. The houses are big, we get it, google them if you want to see them.

Now you gotta marry thames street. Night life is awesome, if there wasn’t a Thames St, Newport wouldn’t be Newport.

And lastly, you gotta fuck the beaches. I know you cant literally fuck a beach, unless your into some kinky shit, and if thats the case Im down, but were gonna interpret “fuck” as something you go to once and never again. You gotta fuck the beaches because as nice as they are, there full of fucking tourists and there are a million beaches you can go to in RI without having a bunch of gross ugly tourists taking up all the ocean.

What do you think? Vote or leave your comments below.

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