LISBON, Maine (AP) — A Maine man in search of a valuable mineral cut open a dead porcupine on the side of the road and unexpectedly pulled out its baby. Jared Buzzell, of Lisbon, says he was searching for wild mushrooms Thursday when he saw a porcupine get hit by a car in Minot. Buzzell says he’d heard that a valuable mineral deposit used in Chinese medicine formed in the stomachs of porcupines. He then cut open the dead porcupine to search for the mineral and instead found the baby.
This story is so Maine it hurts. Part of me wants to respect this guy. Its cool that he saved the babies life and all, even though porcupines are the most useless animals in the world and is the last animal we need more of. But the fact that he knows that porcupine’s have a valuable mineral in their stomachs, and cut the porcupine open to get it, absolutely scares the shit out of me. Like who says “oh look dead porcupine, better go dissect him for valuable minerals”. And the reason he found the dead porcupine was because he was searching for wild mushrooms? Not exactly the type of guy you would trust with your kids. Or your gold fish. Wouldn’t surprise me if he had sex with the dead body afterwards while making the baby porcupine watch. Total freak show. If a spree of serial killings start taking place in Lisbon, Maine, I promise you its this guy. Again, so Maine its still hurting.